Wishes for Our Children/Reflections on Our Values
Adapted from Rabbi Braun’s sermon in 5768
I do not doubt that every parent wishes the best for their children. I would say, however, that what we wish for them might not always be the best for them, and that what we wish for them is often a very good reflection of our values and what we deem to be most important.
We wish and hope that our children be financially successful, and maybe even a part of mainstream America. There is nothing wrong with that perse.
That being said, we might value the dollar and social acceptance over personal happiness and spirituality. That, of course, is a problem!
Not that it is any consolation, but the issue is not a new one. Our patriarch Abraham addressed the same issues when looking for a spouse for his son Yitzchak.
The opening chapter of our parsha deals with the acquisition of the cave of Machpela which is to serve as the first purchase of land in Israel and of course a burial plot for Sarah. The next chapter, 24, details the search for Isaac’s wife. We read of Abraham commanding Eliezer to go to his family, find a suitable wife and bring her back to him. This is an absolute condition. We then read of Eliezer’s devised character test to find a suitable shidduch for his master’s son.
But before all of that there is one verse that does not seem to belong yet the contrast between that and what follows shows that not only does it belong but it might hold the key to understanding what Abraham really wants for his child.
That verse is the first in perek 24.
(א) וְאַבְרָהָם זָקֵן בָּא בַּיָּמִים וַיקֹוָק בֵּרַךְ אֶת אַבְרָהָם בַּכֹּל:
1. And Abraham was old, and well advanced in age; and the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things.
The very next verse begins with Avraham’s instructions to Eliezer.
We must ask ourselves, what does it mean that he was blessed with all things and what does this have to do with finding a wife for Yitzchak?
Eben Ezra writes that Abraham was blessed with old age, wealth, children and respect. Indeed he had it all. The Rashbam, our literalist, best expresses why this verse is the introduction to the story that follows. He writes that you should not think that Avraham had to go to his family for a shidduch because he would not find anyone to marry Yitzchak at home. There were plenty of families eager and ready to marry into this respected family but Abraham wanted someone from his family. He was looking for something specific and not simply someone to marry his son. That his wealth would have ensured regardless.
To that I would add that the Torah is setting up a contrast between Abraham’s worldly blessings and what he wants for his child.
The worldly blessing gets five words, the search for a suitable wife an entire paragraph.
The contrast is also meant to hammer home the following point- Sure Abraham had it all, power and wealth, but that was not important to him. Finding a proper spouse for his son, that was important.
There is a lot to discuss regarding Abraham and Eliezer and exactly what they were looking for- we leave that for another year but for this week it is enough to know that there were two major criteria that emerge.
- She must agree to join the household of Abraham. That is the environment and the tradition that she must agree to be a part of. She is to come into our culture and religion, not the other way around.
- She must be a good and kind person.
Those are the qualities that are important, not the worldly blessings that he had.
Rashi makes that very same point in a different and interesting way. He writes that when the Torah says that Abraham was blessed with “all” it refers to the fact that he had a son. The Hebrew word for “with all” (bakol) has the numerical value of 52 which is the same as the numerical value of the word son =, or Ben.
Rashi’s point is that the real blessing is Abraham’s son; nothing else matters at all.
This approach is to be contrasted with that of Lavan, Rivka’s brother and Yaakov’s future father in law.
When Eliezer is taken to see Lavan, we find the same contrast between the blessings bestowed upon him and the search for a wife for Yitzchak.
(לה) וַיקֹוָק בֵּרַךְ אֶת אֲדֹנִי מְאֹד וַיִּגְדָּל וַיִּתֶּן לוֹ צֹאן וּבָקָר וְכֶסֶף וְזָהָב וַעֲבָדִם וּשְׁפָחֹת וּגְמַלִּים וַחֲמֹרִים:
(לו) וַתֵּלֶד שָׂרָה אֵשֶׁת אֲדֹנִי בֵן לַאדֹנִי אַחֲרֵי זִקְנָתָהּ וַיִּתֶּן לּוֹ אֶת כָּל אֲשֶׁר לוֹ:
(לז) וַיַּשְׁבִּעֵנִי אֲדֹנִי לֵאמֹר לֹא תִקַּח אִשָּׁה לִבְנִי מִבְּנוֹת הַכְּנַעֲנִי אֲשֶׁר אָנֹכִי יֹשֵׁב בְּאַרְצוֹ:
35. And the Lord has blessed my master greatly; and he has become great; and he has given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses.
- And Sarah my masters wife bore a son to my master when she was old; and to him has he given all that he has.
- And my master made me swear, saying, You shall not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live;
Here the very first thing that Eliezer tells Lavan is that Abraham has been blessed with wealth and it spells out exactly what he was blessed with. Then he tells him that Abraham has given all of that to Yitzchak. And then he goes on to say and I need to find a wife etc.
Here the juxtaposition does not seem to indicate contrast; instead the wealth seems to be an incentive for Lavan to agree to the marriage.
Most striking is that Eliezer in not instructed to say this by Abraham. His instructions are clear and this is not amongst them. Yet he must have sensed what was important to Lavan and spoken accordingly. For Lavan, money talks, it is the first and maybe the only priority.
I believe that the Torah sets up this contrast both by Abraham and Lavan in order to highlight the difference between the two.
Abraham had money and power but it was neither his sole interest nor his main one.
Lavan admired money and power and it was both his sole interest and his main one.
It is an eternal struggle- money and power versus character and religion. It expresses itself in our hopes for our children and in our daily conduct.
Hopefully in both areas we can recognize that ours is the path of Abraham! It is not always easy but it is right.
